Why?

I am sure that many people have felt the emotions that I am experiencing; the problem is I haven't had to feel them.

I can't understand why . . . .

Why would someone call herself my friend and ultimately betray me. Why are my confidences being used as punch lines in gossip circles? What have I done that could be considered so vile that I deserve such treatment? I can't imagine that I could have done anything so horrific. I really can't.

I have always considered myself a good friend - am I ultimately just a patsy? Am I really so blind and stupid that I can't see what is directly in front of me? Am I really so desperate that I would surrender myself simply to be accepted? Or is it that she is so desperate that she would?

I suppose that in order for me to survive I am simply going to have to turn off the emotions. My assumption has to become that no one is trustworthy and that I can't be close to anyone. True that this road becomes a lonely one, but rather that than the pain I carry now. . . . .

I have become unsure of who and what I am - something that I can't let continue . . . rather, I can't let continue any longer. I have to rediscover myself and learn to listen to my own instincts. I have to believe that, while I am confused and unsure, there are bigger things in store for me. God has consistently blessed me. He has provided for me in ways that I never believed I deserved, and now, I must believe that this time in my life is happening for a reason. Nothing ever happens without reason - I am just too small to understand at this moment.

My prayer becomes that I will rely on Him and the strength of my husband's support - with these two things I can and will overcome anything. I WILL overcome, and I WILL survive. I suppose the thing that bothers me the most is that we are supposed to be grown-ups not teenagers creating our own unnecessary drama. Is it really too much to ask for an individual to behave as an adult and a professional?

I am beginning to lose my faith in people. I suppose I am entirely too romantic in my belief that people should want more of themselves and those around them. People don't do enough for each other - why?