Broken hearted again

So back to the friendship talk. . . . My best friend ended our friendship in a text message. Of all things - a damn text message! She stated that we were at different places, would miss what our friendship once was and ended with goodbye. She couldn't have surprised me more if she had walked up and hit me in the face. I tried over and over to get her to tell me why, but she has not responded and basically refuses to explain anything. What the hell???

I am a logical person, and I have searched my brain as to why she would do this; however, I have no reasons, but I have come to the same conclusion that I usually reach in such situations. When people can not explain their reasons for choices it is usually for two reasons. . . one, they know their reasoning is flawed and is ultimately lame; two, they have to come to terms with their own emotions and aren't willing to do that because it hurts too much.

I am beginning to think that people truly are callous individuals who really do not care about others. I have joked in the past that I hate people, but I am beginning to really hate people. I do not understand why friendship must be riddled with drama - is wanting a close relationship with an individual so difficult? Is wanting honesty and closeness too much? Is sharing the joys and sorrows of an individual's life too much? Why can't humans treat each other with kindness and loyalty?

Perhaps there is something wrong with me. . . . maybe I do demand too much from people. . . . maybe my expectations of others are too high. . . . maybe what I want in a friend is not possible. . . . maybe I am just not meant to have a close friend other than my husband. . . maybe in a previous life I was horrible to those I called friends, and I am paying for it in this lifetime. . . . . I wish that I understood why people abandon those who care and love them most. . . . . I wish that people knew the pain and anguish that they cause others. . . . I wish those people that I have called friend knew how much I have loved them and how I would have done anything that they needed. . . . I wish people understood how much they need each other. . . . maybe I should just give it up and resign myself to the fact that I am not meant to have close friends. . . . I wish I could accept this - it would make my heart hurt less and my life a little easier. . . . . at least in theory. . . . . I wish I could just not care anymore . . . . I wish I really could hate people

Friendship

Do you ever wonder why you deal with some people??? People you call friend but who are just plain obnoxious and childish. I discovered today that a "friend" has stopped talking to me because I stopped talking to her. The irony of all this is I never consciously stopped talking to her - I felt that after I had confronted her with an issue that was bothering me she stopped talking to me. Does this sound like high school or what???

I am so done with the stupidity of this situation. If my friendship meant anything and she was truly concerned - wouldn't she want to come talk to me to clear the air as I did????? I am tired of high maintenance friendships - can't we just be friends and talk to each other as adults should? Why do people make things so damn complicated?

I don't really want added complicated in my life - life is complicated enough. So does the whole thing bother me? On some levels it really pisses me off and on other levels, I just don't care anymore. Sometimes we have to realize that we just got to let things go and that includes friends (or so called friends).

Count this one - LET GO!!!!!

My Baby Girl

I write because my heart is broken. My dog Patches unexpectedly died in her sleep yesterday. I have never had a pet die before, and it is so heart-wrenching. I had her for almost 13 years, and she was my heart and soul in so many ways. I went through a divorce many years ago - she was my support, my companion, my crying buddy, my best friend. . . I can't believe she is really gone. My heart and my house feel so empty. My husband has been wonderfully supportive, but I hurt so much. She was my child; she was my baby girl.

We had her cremated. I couldn't stick her in the ground. I was afraid something might dig her up; I couldn't go through it twice. I really just can't get my mind around the fact she is really gone. She has been such an integral part of my life for so long. My baby girl was a beautiful soul, and she will be missed.

I love you, Patches, and I will miss you.

A Friend

Friends have been on my mind lately. What makes a true friend and such....... I think I know now.

A friend is an individual who allows you to be an individual.
A friend is a weak person who allows you to be weak in any situation.
A friend is a strong person who allows you to be strong even if it conflicts with her.
A friend is an emotional person who allows you to be emotional over the silly things.
A friend is an honest person who allows you to be honest even about her.
A friend is a trusting person who allows you to trust her with the deepest and darkest.
A friend is a caring person who allows you to care for her in her deepest and darkest.
A friend is a supportive person who allows you to waiver and manages to hold you up.
A friend is a listener who allows you to surrender your inner feelings without judgment.
A friend is a warmth who allows you to bask in her comforting words.
A friend is a hope who allows you all the dreams of your heart.
A friend is a soul who allows you to connect and never lets go.

A friend is an extension of all that is great about you.


For my soul sister in Maryland - Thank you for being my friend. I love you!

Friends

William Shakespeare says that the world is a stage and we are merely players. He goes on to say that there are those who will have their entrances and exits in our lives tan will play some part whether large or small. It is this that I consider.

It is strange to me at times how we deal with people we call friend. At times we thank God daily for their mere presence and other days we wonder why we even began an acquaintance let alone a true friendship. This last year I endured a great deal of drama in the friend department and had just about decided that being a loner was the way to go! However, as sometimes can happen, reconciliations have occurred.

A dear friend of mine is moving and, while I know that we will keep in contact and such, it is not the same as having her at arms reach. Soul sisters sounds goofy to me, but when we met we became just that! Unfortunately, we were victims to our own stupid pride and some outside influence, and we became distant this last year. Time that can never be regained, that never seemed so important then, is now so precious that it is painful to the heart. We have reconciled and now everything that had seemed so important suddenly means nothing. Why are we so ignorant? When we allow emotions such as pride or jealousy to intervene where they do not belong, we lose out on moments that can never be recaptured.

I don't understand why we let the trivial things destroy what should be so beautiful.

I really love her and know that I will miss her daily. I wish that I had been more aware of my immaturity so that I would not carry so much regret now. Another hard lesson of life I guess.

As always my husband thinks that "blogging" will help me in my emotional turbulence. As a high school teacher, I am forced to be flexible but times arise that I realize (as a three old might) that I don't want to be flexible, and I don't want to accept change.

All this comes in reference to major changes that are getting ready to occur at my school. The largest of these - the principal is leaving. Normally this would not be such a large deal except that I have been teaching a total of twelve years now and this will be my seventh principal. I am tired of the change and, in addition, I really like this principal. He is a respectable and honorable man, but more importantly, he is a wonderful leader who has the fortitude to support the teachers and fight for our students.

We also had a teacher die of cancer this year - a friend I love and miss very much.

I hate writing like this - I feel that I am just whining about things that ultimately don't make a big difference. So many people in this world have real problems - but I am so disappointed. I bought into his plan, his dream of for our school and now I feel like he is abandoning ship. He is going on to an assistant superintendent position, therefore we will have a voice in the "muckity muck" department, but I don't want to share.

I am tired of people leaving. I am tired of people leaving!!!

After posting my new entry and checking this morning for comments, I began to wonder why people create blogs. I created mine because my husband was pushing for me to "try" it. I have come to realize that I am searching for validation from the world that what I am feeling and what I am experiencing is not odd. And yet, that would be the problem I am having right now. I need to understand, as all individuals should, that we don't need the validation of the world. We need to find a place within ourselves in which we can say, "I am okay." As a teacher, I struggle everyday to teach my ninth graders that they must have confidence in themselves, and as adults, do we always possess the confidence that we need to show?

I know that this weekend I have traveled through a wide range of emotions, and I know that on Monday when I walk into school, I will not be the same woman I was on Friday when I left. I suppose that was my goal . . . .?